You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
