Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
