its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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