final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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