hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
