You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
