haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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