Your face is a jimmy john
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
