My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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