The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I think a kid would responsible me up
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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