TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
