according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
