It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
