census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
