i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
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oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
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I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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