I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
