woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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