When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I can't turn off my feet"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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