i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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