I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
