my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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