dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
