I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
