I'm really into asian looking animals
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
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I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
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I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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