I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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