I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
