dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
