I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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