The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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