The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
