After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
