I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
