look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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