i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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