If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
