OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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