my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
