it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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