SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
