I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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