yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
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