and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
