i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
