Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
