We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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