the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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