1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
