I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
