Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
