I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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