so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You smell like stripper and shame
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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