Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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