I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Randomize
