just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
