Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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