I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
