It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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