I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
PANTIES FOUND
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