So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
