I murdered the dance floor call the cops
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
